


You're My Something Else

by gaylock



Series: OneShots [8]
Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Addison is Sad, Addison never gets remarried, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Based on a Tumblr Post, Dance With Me, Derek is dead, F/F, Hurt, Meredith cares for addison, Meredith is understanding, One Shot, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pain, Post-Dereks death, addison has been pining, addison is grateful, addison is in love with meredith, everybody is sad, meredith tries to help, non-private practice compliant, she doesn't have henry, she is terrified of being rejected, you always smile like you're about to cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-14 09:20:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8007751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaylock/pseuds/gaylock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Months after Derek's death, Addison finds herself at Meredith's door needing forgiveness, and needing a chance to get something she's been meaning to say for a very long time off of her chest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're My Something Else

**Author's Note:**

> I know this isn't a popular pairing, but from the first moment I watched the show, I absolutely loved the idea of Addison and Meredith together. And now, with Derek being dead etc. etc., I love the idea even more. This is my first Grey's fanfiction, and I've never even attempted to write anything from Addison or Meredith's POV, so bare with me please:) If they're a little too OOC, just tell me and I'll do what I can to fix it!
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, only the plot. The rest belongs to Shonda Rhimes and the producers of the show Grey's Anatomy.

Addison stands in front of the house, her eyes wet and her hand fisted against her lips. The house is lit up in the darkness of the outside world, the windows glowing invitingly. The curtains in the downstairs windows are half drawn shut, and as close as she is, Addison can see the lovely shade of lavendar they are.  _This is the house he lived in,_ she thinks, _thi_ _s is where he was happy_ _._

Addison watches from the sidewalk, sees the lights in the upstairs windows, hears the laughter and the voices in the hallways. Knows that the children will be going to bed soon, but can't get past the fact thought that  _It's th_ _e house she_ still  _lives in._ She listens to the sound of a child's giggle, a woman's laughter, and know's that she can't possibly do what she came here to do. Not now, not when they all sound so happy. So she turns around and walks back the way she came, her coat pulled tightly against her body, as if the chilling cold she feels is coming from the warm summer air. She gets inside of her car and drives back to her hotel, already wondering if she will go back there tomorrow to try again, or if she will just give up and leave Seattle once and for all.

It scares her when she realises just how much she wants to leave without doing what she came here to do.

* * *

 

Meredith watches Maggie chase Zola and Bailey around the house, having already put Ellis in bed. She listens to them laughing, and can't help but smile; _there hasn't been enough laughter lately_ , she thinks.  _This is nice._

A movement from outside the front of her house catches her eye, and taking one more glance at her beaming children and sister, Meredith turns to push the purple cutains aside and peer out into the darkness. She catches a glimpse of pale skin and long red hair, before the person dissapears into the dark. Meredith frowns in thought, and watches as a car passes by the house a minute later.

"Shit," she mutters under her breath, letting the curtain fall back into place. She rests her hands against the window for a moment and breathes deeply. _"Fucking shit."_

She hears the soft footsteps of her sister behind her a second before a hand lands gently on her shoulder. "You alright?" Maggies voice is as gentle as her grip, and she waits patiently for Meredith to answer.

Meredith sighs and pushes herself up, brushing her hair out of her eyes. She smiles dimly at Maggie. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just thought I saw someone I recognized," she glances at the window again.

"Oh." Maggie follows her gaze and her smile turns sad. _"Oh,"_ she nods and takes a step backwards. "Okay, well, I'm going to put Zola and Bailey to bed," She turned around and walked quickly up the stairs.

Meredith's eyes follow her ascent, and she shakes her head. She know's what Maggie is thinking, know's that her sister thinks she saw someone and mistook them for Derek, and _how sad, poor Meredith_. But it wasn't Derek she had seen, and she certainly hadn't  _mistook_ someone for someone else; she is absolutely  _positive_ that the person she had seen was in fact, Addison Montgomery. At first she wasn't sure, but after seeing that car? There is no doubt in Meredith's mind that it had been Addison lurking outside her house only minutes before.

As she stands there leaning against the window and staring out into the night sky, Meredith lets her eyes wander back down towards the sidewalk and street where she had seen Addison standing. _Why is she here?_ _What could she possibly want?_

Because although it was entirely possible that Addison had just been looking, and was now on her way back to L.A., never to return, Meredith didn't think it likely. No, she knew Addison would be back soon, it was only a matter of time. Although what she needed _her_  for, she didn't have the faintest idea. After all, she had already told Addison that she was okay, absolutely fine; what more needed to be said?

Glancing at the street outside one last time, Meredith follows her sister up the stairs to help put her children to bed.

* * *

 

A few days later, Addison once again finds herself standing in front of the house of her ex-husband. She wonders whether or not she should go up to the door and knock, when the curtains are pulled back from the downstairs livingroom window and Meredith's head sticks out. 

Addison quickly turns around and takes a step towards her car. "Stupid, stupid, _stupid,"_ she mutters to herself, her heels clicking against the cement.

A voice stops her retreat. "I don't know why you're here, but you may as well come inside." Meredith Grey's voice calls across the lawn towards where she now stands, as if frozen in mid-step.

Addison turns around and looks at Meredith, feeling embarassed and awkward. "Oh, okay, uhm...alright." She walks slowly towards the front door, and stops when she reaches it, not sure if she should just walk in, or wait for the other woman to open the door.

She glances at the window, and watches as Meredith rolls her eyes. "Oh, alright, hold on a sec," Meredith says, dropping the curtain and walking over to open the door. Addison stands there in the few seconds before the door is opened, and suddenly everything she had planned to say flys out of her head. She panics, but before she can think of a way to leave, Meredith is opening the door and gazing at her with questioning green eyes.

"...Hi." Addison shoves her hands inside the pockets of her coat and tries desperately to recall what it was she came here to say.

Meredith just continues to look at her. The silence is awkward as they both take the moment to examine the other person. Addison observes how tired Meredith looks, her slumped shoulders and the darkness beneath her eyes. Meredith sees the the uncomfortable way Addison is standing there, the how much thinner she is than Meredith remembers, her incredibly pale skin. As the silence drags on, the awkwardness grows. It isn't until Addison clears her throat to say that she's sorry and that this was a mistake, that Meredith gives herself a little shake and steps aside.

"Sorry, come in." Meredith points towards the sittingroom and smiles blandly.

Addison jumps a little, before nodding and stepping inside. She feels a wave of panic flow through her as she crosses the doorstep; there's no way she will be able to make some excuse and leave now, not without seeming rude. As the door closes behind her, Addison has to force herself to keep breathing and to direct a smile back at Meredith. Unfortunately, her gaze lands on a photograph of Derek and the children just behind her hostess, and she feels her smile quiver. She turns quickly away and walks in the direction Meredith points her.

"Th-thank you, I was just- uhm, I was in the area and I wanted to...uhh," Addison scours her brain for something to say that won't make her sound like an idiot or a psychopath. She finds nothing and feels her panic return. _Oh my god, what am I even doing here?_

Meredith smiles a little wider and she steps towards her kitchen. "Why don't I make some coffee first, while you make yourself comfortable in here? I'll be right back." She pats the couch before leaving the room.

Addison lets out a sigh of relief and sinks down onto the couch with her eyes closed. She is absurdedly grateful to Meredith right now, for making that excuse and leaving her to get her barings and gather her thoughts. She leans her head back and lets her mind wander, trying to figure out why she was here and what she came to say. _For some reason,_ she thinks, _the appearance of Meredith Grey always causes me to lose my train of thought. I become a blabbering fool when faced with that woman! What on earth is wrong with me?_

She sighs softly and opens her eyes to stare blankly at the ceiling above her. She knows what is wrong, she knows  _exactly_ what is wrong; she just doesn't want to admit it to herself. It's one of the reasons she was in this house, the reason she had come here. It's why she hadn't left, even though every fibre of her being had wanted to get on the next plane to L.A. and never look back. Because Addison has never been good at compartmentalizing her feelings, and she has a terrible history of falling for the most inappropriate of people.

 _I am still mourning my ex-husband's death,_ she thinks in despair.  _And now I've gone and fallen in love with his bloody widow._  

* * *

  

Meredith returns with two cups of coffee and a plate of cookies. She stands in the doorway for a moment, taking in the relaxed way Addison is sprawled on the couch, and the pained look on her face. _She looks like she needs a nap,_ she thinks, adjusting her grip on the coffee.  _Like she needs several naps._ Meredith steps in and places the refreshments on the table before sitting in the armchair kitty-corner to the couch. The sound of the coffee and plate being placed on the table causes Addison to jolt upwards and open her eyes.

"Sorry! Sorry, I was just, ah, I was just thinking," Her eyes are wide and her face reddens a bit as she tries to avoid Meredith's gaze.

"You look like you could use a nap," Meredith states baldly. 

Addison flushes and looks down at her lap, twisting her hands together in embarassment. "I...," she trails off.

Meredith smiles and pushes on of the mugs of coffee towards her. "Here, the coffee will help," she says gently, her voice softer than Addison expected it to be. Meredith picks up her own cup and takes a sip. "Mmm, deliscious caffiene," she says with humour, and Addison finds herself startled into a laugh.

"Thank you," she say's, holding her mug tightly and taking a grateful sip. She tries to smile at Meredith, but when she meets her gaze panic floods her body and she hurriedly averts her eyes.  _Don't, Addison,_ she tells herself sharply.  _Don't let her know how you feel._ She takes a deep breath and hides her face behind her drink, busying herself with the coffee so she doesnt have to speak.

Meredith watches this for a few minutes in silence, before putting her own coffee down and picking up the plate of cookies. "Cookie?" She holds the plate out in Addison's direction, her eyebrows raised in question. When Addison shakes her head no, Meredith merely shrugs and put the plate back down, taking three and holding them in her hand. "So," she asks, taking a bit out of a cookie. "Why are you here?"

Addison quickly picks up a cookie and takes a bite, making sure to take her time chewing so that she can think up a creative answer. She doesn't feel ready to tell the truth, because she knows that when she does, it will mean the end of her time in Seattle.

The end of her time with Meredith. Addison's eyes darken in silent pain, but she swallows down the tears that seem to always be just a second away from appearing these days, and clears her throat. "Well, I haven't been back since...well, since before." She swallows hard. Suddenly the coffee doesn't seem like such a great idea; she can feel it turning uncomfortably in her stomach. "And well, I guess I just, uhm, wanted a chance to - to talk to you." 

Meredith looks at her skeptically. "You did talk to me. On the phone." She takes another sip of her coffee and hides her own pained emotions with a shrug. "I told you I was fine, that you didn't need to worry. I wasn't lying."

Addison shakes her head. "I didn't think you were," she say's with conviction, leaning forwards slightly in earnest, as if that will help make sure Meredith understands her sincerity.

Eyebrows raised, Meredith looks at her in confusion. "Then why? What is there to talk about?"

Addison's hands move about restlessly while she answers. "I want to talk about...I feel...you, uhm, you don't...ah, Derek is-," she huffs and flings her hands into the air in exasperation at herself. _"Fuck."_ She covers her face with her hands, her too thin shoulders hunched over.

Meredith eyes her in surprise. She wasn't expecting the outburst, nor has she often seen Addison so uncomposed. "Uh, okay...," Meredith began cautiously, wondering what she might have done to set Addison off like that. "So, you want to talk about...Derek?" Her voice was quiet and gentle, trying not to spook the other woman, who was  _clearly_ in a fragile state.

Addison sighs and shakes her head. Then nods.

Then shakes her head again.

"Oh, seriously. Yes, no, maybe? What is it? Do you want to talk about Derek or not?" Meredith exclaims, her patience gone for the moment.

Addison removes her hands from her face but keeps her gaze averted. "Yes. And no." She sighs. "It's about Derek, mostly, but also something else." She looks up and Meredith quickly. "The something else is more important," she whispers, before dropping her gaze once again to her lap.

Meredith studies her for a moment, her green eyes narrow and thoughtful. "Alright, let's start with Derek. What is it you wanted to say?" She leans back in her chair and stares at Addison. 

Addison takes a deep breath before she speaks. "Derek...is dead." She glances at Meredith quickly. 

Meredith inclines her head. "Yes," she say's.

"He's dead, and I never got to say goodbye. I couldn't help him, there was nothing I could do, but I still feel like- like I've let him down in someway, even though he didn't need me." She blurts this out in one big rush, like the words had been sitting there on her tongue, just waiting to be said. Addison takes a moment to catch her breath.

Meredith blinks slowly. "What?"

Addison continues. "I mean, I know I couldn't have helped him, I  _know_ that. But it just feels like there should have been more that I could have done, you know? More for him, more for you, maybe. More for the children,  _I don't know,_ but something!"

Meredith shook her head and sat up. "No, I meant what as in, _'what do you mean he didn't need you?_ _"'_  Her voice was suddenly sharp, accusatory, and her eyes were like green fire; they burned Addison in a way nothing ever had.

She shrunk backwards. "I just meant that- well, he had you, and the children. He hardly needed me! Neither of you did," she tried to understand why Meredith was looking at her that way, why she sounded so  _angry_ all of a sudden.

Meredith closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Sorry," she said, letting it out slowly, her voice sounding tight and pained. "I'm sorry, but when did he ever say he didn't need you? When did  _I_ ever say I didn't need you?" Her hands are fists against her sides as she stands up. 

Addison freezes in shock. "But- on the phone, you said-,"

Meredith shakes her head and crosses her arms. Her eyes are no longer angry, but pained, and her body language is defensive rather than hostile. "I said I was fine. I _never_ said I didn't need you. And that, what you said about helping me, helping the children- _why didn't you?_ Why didn't you come and stay, instead of calling? Despite calling?" Her voice is choked and sad, despite her best efforts to compose herself. Meredith turns away for a moment and closes her eyes. She didn't mean to say any of that, didn't mean to make herself so transparent.

Addison's voice is shaky when she finally answers. "Because. Because I was scared," Her voice is a pain filled whisper. "Because I didn't think you'd want me." She takes a shaky breath and laughs humourlessly. "Because nobody ever does, so how would I be helping by being where I'm not wanted?"

Meredith turns back to face her, and her eyes are wet and glistening with unshed tears. "I wanted you here,"

Addison turns her head away in shame and closes her eyes. "I'm sorry," she whispers. "I'm sorry."

* * *

 

 

Meredith takes a breath and sits back down. "I'm sorry too, for yelling just now," she says quietly, her voice once again gentle. "For not asking you to come."

"You shouldn't have had to ask, I should have known. I would have, if I hadn't been so scared," Addison tries to smile at Meredith and nearly succeeds. 

"You always smile like you're about to cry," Meredith says, her hand coming down to rest next to the one Addison has left on the table. "You have, since the very first time I met you."

Addison glances down at their hands laying side by side, and quells the impulse to move her's closer so they're touching. She closes her eyes and smiles again, though a few tears escape anyways. "I think that's more to do with how close I've been to crying these past years, than anything else."

When she opens her eyes, Meredith looks pained. "What?," she asks.

"I wish you wouldn't," Meredith says softly, and Addison can barely breathe because at that moment Meredith moves her hand just that tiny bit closer.  _She's nearly touching me,_ Addison thinks, her mind spinning.  _Her hand is right there and it is almost touching mine._

"Wouldn't what?," she asks a bit breathlessly, her mind incapable of understanding what Meredith is saying. She ignores the tears on her cheeks in favour of staring fixedly at their hands on the table. 

Meredith smiles and moves her hand so it sits atop Addison's. "I wish you wouldn't cry," she whispers, and wipes away the tears that are streaming down Addison's cheeks with her free hand as gently as possible.

Addison, tears streaming down her face, let's out a sob. "I know, it's so pathetic, but I just can't seem to stop,"

Meredith shakes her head and moves closer. "No, it's not pathetic." Meredith holds Addison's hand tightly and squeezes. "It just makes me sad, that's all. To watch you cry."

Her blue eyes wide in question, Addison gazes at Meredith. Meredith gazes back sadly. "Is it the something else?," she asks, her voice low and her hand still gripping tight to Addison's. 

Addison nods.

Meredith tilts her head. "Is the something else about me?," she breathes out as softly as possible, not sure she even wants to know the answer.

Addison's eyes close tightly and she takes a deep breath. Meredith is shaking when she says, "I'm didn't- Addison, I'm so sorry," she twines their fingers together and feels like crying.

Shaking her head, Addison squeezes Meredith's hand in response. "No, don't be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for." Her voice is earnest even while it's sad, and it breaks Meredith's heart to hear it.

"I should have asked sooner," Meredith whispers.

"You couldn't have known," Addison whispers back. "I should have told you sooner."

Meredith closes her eyes. "If you had, I'm not sure I would have listened,"

Addison is shaking now. "I'm sorry,"

"Never be sorry for the way you feel." Meredith moves next to her on the couch and wraps an arm around her body in a hug. "I'm certainly not."

Addison leans into Meredith's body and let's herself relax for a moment. She can feel Meredith's breath on her skin, can feel the warmth from her body.

It scares her to realise just how much she doesn't want to leave.  

* * *

 

Hours pass while they sit on the couch, wrapped in each other, talking about nothing and everything. "Why didn't you come? To Derek's funeral, I mean." Meredith's voice is soft and unnacusing.

Addison sighs and pushes her face into Meredith's shoulder in an attempt to hide. "Initially, because I felt I would be unwelcome. Something from the past that you probably wanted to forget." She sighs and sits up, turning to face the woman beside her. 

Meredith watches her silently before asking, "And now?"

"Now I think it's because I was frightened of what I might reveal to myself and to you." Addison holds Meredith's gaze steadily. "Frightened of what you would think, say, feel."

Meredith nods slowly. "And when you called?"

Addison closes her eyes. "I couldn't help myself; I had to ask you, I had to know. I had to hear your voice." She opens her eyes and feels embarassed by what she's just admitted. By what she's about to admit. "But mostly I called to give myself a chance to tell you the truth; in the end I chickened out."

Green eyes search blue ones. "Why now, after all this time?" Meredith's voice is questioning, but when Addison looks into her eyes, she sees only comprehension and understanding there.

Addison is finally able to smile without tears threatening to overcome her. "Because I needed closure, I needed to know how you felt absolutely, so that I would be able to move on." She takes a deep breath. "I still do. But I have to actually say it first, don't I?" She glances up at Meredith's warm gaze. 

"Let me put on some music, first, and then you can tell me." Meredith smoothes down Addison's hair like she might do with Zola, before standing up to give her some space and put on some music.

Addison takes a deep shuddering breath and lets it out slowly. "Fine," she say's quietly, and forces herself to relax and stop thinking about what Meredith is going to say. Meredith puts a CD in and returns, standing in front of her.

Addison looks at her and begins to speak. "Meredith, I......I need to tell you, that I-," she cuts herself off when she hears the CD's first song.

Meredith looks at her with a slight smile on her face. "Yes?"

Addison's eyes close tight and she shudders. "This is the song we danced to at our wedding," her voice is choked and her face is flushed with the effort not to cry.

Meredith smiles softly and steps forwards. "I know," she sits down beside her and leans back against the couch. "It was his favourite song." Her words cause Addison to break out in fresh sobs, her thin body jerking from side to side with the force of them, her hands pressing tightly against her eyes as if trying to push the tears back inside. "Shhh, it's okay, you're okay," Meredith holds the other woman gently against her body and rubs her back until the sobbing slows down. It is then that she stands up and pulls Addison with her, holding her gently in an embrace more like a hug than anything else.

Addison's breath catches in her throat as she tries to speak. "Meredith, what are you-,"

Meredith shushes her and begins to turn slowly in a circle. "Dance with me." Her arms hold Addison tight, and her head rests on the other woman's shoulder. "I might never write you a song, but I can still dance with you to this one. So, dance with me."

Addison holds her breath for a moment before nodding. "Alright," she whispers, her arms gripping Meredith just as tightly as Meredith's are gripping her. "Alright."


End file.
